it was like…magic

-a recent dream of Richard Armitage-

Richard and I were at an annual celebratory event in a foreign city. he just so happened to sit down across from me, at my little single table, outside on a cobblestone patio with twinkling lights draped haphazardly around. the event was festive without being intrusive to those who were walking by. at one point a group of older women came around with a tray filled with ethnic sweets, but they were more to show off and look at than to eat. I had no idea what anyone was saying but I wasn’t intimidated by that. I was there to just enjoy the atmosphere, and the added bonus of seeing Richard enjoy it too. we didn’t talk to each other much, we were strangers after all, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. it was like we were two outsiders just taking it all in together. he was someone I could enjoy being quiet with.
Towards the end of the evening it was announced with sadness that a certain woman who was always highly involved in the event had passed away. there were several gasps throughout the crowd and Richard looked visibly upset. I instinctively reached across the table and took his hand into mine for comfort. he asked if I knew the woman and although the urge to fib and say ‘yes’ was strong, I told the truth and said that I didn’t know her, though her name was familiar to me from previous years. soon after Richard left our table to search out this woman’s daughter and to talk to the family. it appeared that he wasn’t coming back and the night had died down anyway, so I rose to leave. I had gone back to my nearby lodging and prepared to check out because I had planned to travel home right after the event.
As I wandered back through the patio a few hours later, I passed Richard sitting at our table. we both made eye contact with each other at the same time and so I stopped and said goodbye. he leaned up and I leaned down and we embraced in a hug as he kissed my cheek. he didn’t know my name and I didn’t give it. the embrace felt intimate, still between two strangers but no less magical. as I walked away I had a strong sense of deja vu, like it had all happened before in that exact way and that it would happen again.





Falling Out of Love with Your Celebrity Crush

If you’re anything like me, then you aren’t just crushing on your alternate universe bae because of his looks or the characters he plays on screen, but also for what he shows of himself in interviews and appearances- his sense of humor and playfulness, his intelligence and professionalism, his gentlemanly manners, his likes and dislikes; the clay we use to sculpt him into our perfect match. as our admiration grows and blossoms, we look forward to spending time with our crush through video interviews and photographs. we regularly indulge in his talent with his movies, television roles, and audio recordings. we’re so proud of our guy! we want to show him off like parents with a portfolio of pictures in our wallets. so we tweet and we blog and we Tumblr, and we read other tweets and blogs and Tumblrs from people who are just as proud. well, maybe not just as proud because we all know that no one loves him as much as we do, but they think they do, so we humor them. it’s good, it’s great, it’s wonderful! until somewhere down the line, it starts to unravel.

is that a necklace? I think he’s wearing a necklace. so cute!

maybe we’re not as interested in every single project he signs on for anymore. maybe we’ve seen so many photos of him that we start scrolling past when they show up in our timelines. maybe those other fans start annoying us with their drama, their misinformation, or their overuse of exclamation points. so we mute a few accounts, prune our subscriptions, limit our visits to all those Tumblrs. sometimes these changes are enough, distance makes the heart grow fonder. but sometimes a quick fix won’t do.

another selfie? wow.

In the summer of 2012, I was blindsided by the news that Kristen Stewart had been caught cheating on Robert Pattinson. I felt betrayed on his behalf, I felt disappointed when he didn’t automatically break up with her, I felt relieved that I now had something to blame. I had been waiting for a push, a reason to move on from my crush on Rob and the Twilight fandom, and here it was. so I left. it’s not you, it’s me. I just don’t feel the way I used to. it’s better this way. it took a long time before seeing his picture brought nostalgic smiles instead of frowns, but it did happen. it was an odd reaction for me to take it so personally, I’m not really sure why I did. I was not a Robsten shipper, my dreams were not shattered by their relationship fail. it was just the last straw and I was mad that it was. I moved on quickly, and didn’t look back.

when Richard Armitage started disappointing me, it was a little different. I hid my head in the sand so that I wouldn’t see, I put my fingers in my ears so that I couldn’t hear, I misplaced my dissatisfaction onto other fan’s shoulders so that I wouldn’t have to admit to myself that it was the beginning of the end for me. I stepped back from the fandom, but that didn’t work. I threw myself back in, but that didn’t work. I found a backup bae to take some of the pressure off, but that didn’t really work either. I was stuck- no longer happy but refusing to move on. after taking an introspective look at myself, I was finally able to get there.

my name is Richard, not Jamie or Dan, Richard.
When you fall out of love with a celebrity crush, it can feel like a break up. that sounds silly to say, but it’s the honest truth. we form an emotional attachment to our ‘object of affection’. seeing their face, hearing their voice, and playing in the fandom playground, helps us to forget the stressful and confusing things that are going on in our real lives. so when it stops feeling meaningful, inspiring, and fun, well that just sucks! we can’t lament to other fans about it because that would be disloyal to the fan base, we can’t grieve about what has been lost because we were the ones who chose to leave. and that sucks double.


if you need me, I’ll just be here…existing.

we feel ridiculous when we say these things out loud, we’re told it’s unhealthy. but what I’ve learned through my own experiences is this: it wasn’t really the celebrity that I was breaking up with, it was a version of myself. I was shedding a part of me that I had outgrown; recognizing that, acknowledging it without shame, is the opposite of unhealthy.


we’ll always have Stoli shirts & Sexpenders

so if your guy no longer fits you anymore, it’s not as dire as it may seem. you’ll feel sad for awhile but odds are, you’ll find it all again with someone new, when you’re ready. and your new guy? he’ll be so swoony that you’ll wonder how you could have ever felt so strongly for those other guys. you’ll see.

did you see his hat? I love hats! so cute!


show me your passion

Benedict Cumberbatch just became the new president of LAMDA(London Academy of Music & Dramatic Art). that’s an impressive accomplishment, congrats! how do I know this, since I’m not really a Cumberbatch fan? because I follow someone on Twitter who is. why do I follow a fan account of an actor I’m not interested in? because I enjoy her passion.

this is not the Benedict that I know. show me more!

Once upon a time, when I was active on a Christian Bale forum, I became friendly with a fellow fan who adored the actor William Fichtner. he acted alongside Christian in ‘Equilibrium’ and also had a bit part in ‘The Dark Knight’. this fan loved to make manips/signatures/avatars of both Christian and William, so she started her own thread in the art area of the forum. it tended to be heavy on the Bill and light on the Chris, but I didn’t mind. I liked seeing the different ideas that she came up with and how she applied them.

Wm. Fichtner aka Badass Bank Manager, The Dark Knight:


On the Twilight fan forum, we had a chat area where we would talk about anything and everything, from Robert Pattinson’s button fly jeans

or just post pics when we couldn’t form words.

to how annoying our coworkers were. if any of us were following other actors alongside Rob & the Twilight gang, we’d routinely discuss them too. that’s how I found Richard Armitage. come to think of it, Matthew Crawley was sometimes mentioned as well, but I scrolled past him. sorry, Dan! I just wasn’t ready for you yet.

I’m here now. 5 years late.


I like when fellow fans expose me to things I may not be familiar with, be that movies, television shows, books, music, or actors. I also find it insightful to read about fan experiences in other fandoms. The Lost fandom was constantly divided among Jack and Sawyer fans, much like Twilight and ‘Team Edward vs Team Jacob’. Outlander and Twilight share their zealot shipper wars, though Outlander has William Shatner fighting with them in their ring! Jamie Dornan fandom seems to get wrapped up in what is and is not acceptable content to post, often using the phrase ‘true fan’ to shame each other (I despise that phrase, I absolutely loathe it). Richard Armitage fandom shares many of these as well. each fandom likes to think they’re different, and they are to some extent, but we’re more the same than not.

So the Benedict Cumberbatch fan I follow on Twitter, or the Robert Downey Jr. fan I sometimes peek in on, or the former Robert Pattinson fan who is now all about Chris Evans, and the Dan Stevens fan who knows all the ins and outs of Star Wars, and that other one who idolizes Michelle Dockery, or the one who swoons over Jared Leto… thank you for sharing your passion with me. I hope no one ever dulls your shine.


Mystery Blogger Award

SueBC of the I’m Feeling This blog has nominated me for The Mystery Blogger Award, but I’ll be breaking the chain by not following the rules…I didn’t know 10-20 bloggers even when I was active in the blogging community, let alone now, when I only read a handful regularly…I LOVE questionnaires, so I’m delighted to answer the questions anyway. I do like the description of the award, so I’m going to include that too.

“This is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates, it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging and they do it with so much love and passion.”


Okay, so first I’m supposed to tell you 3 things about myself. I never know what to say to this question because what I find interesting and what others find interesting are often completely different, so I’m just going to throw some random things out there:

1.) before I go to bed each night, I turn off the foyer light at the top of the stairs before I retire to my bedroom. the switch plate has two light switches on it, and I flip the wrong switch EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I’ve lived in this house for 10 years.


2.) when I eat pudding, or ice cream out of a cup, I always turn the spoon upside down on the way to my mouth. I love the feeling of the curved spoon and the burst of flavor from laying it directly on my tongue. I’ve purposely tried not to do this, just to see how the other half lives, but I find it physically difficult.

does Richard Armitage have ‘inverted spoon reflex’ too?


3.) the lock-screen password on my laptop computer is a combination of my birth date and Richard Armitage’s.


and now on to the questions asked by SueBC:


1) What is your favorite kind of food and do you make it at home or go out?

French Fries. I especially like the fresh cut kind that still have some of the skin on them. my grandmother used to make them at home when I was young by heating oil in a cast iron skillet, but I’ve never tried that myself. I’ve dumped them in the counter top fryer or baked them in the oven but they never seem to turn out right, so I prefer eating them out at restaurants and festivals.


2) Coffee or tea and what is your favorite time or place to drink it?

I’ve never been a fan of hot drinks, so if you asked me this question 6 months ago, I would have said neither. with my recent stomach ailments though, I’ve decided to give in and see how tea treats me. I’ve not drank it enough yet to have a routine of when or where I drink it, so for now it’s while reading.


3) Who would you like to have dinner with, what would you eat, and what would you talk about?

Dan Stevens – Ice Cream Cone – Books

I think Dan would be a great dinner companion because he seems to have a way of putting people at ease. I would ask him for book recommendations. I really enjoy reading but I would never claim to be well read. most of the classics that others were forced to read in school somehow passed me by, and I don’t follow reviews closely enough to make informed contemporary picks. when my kids were young I was in two different book clubs (which overlapped for awhile) and so I read a variety of books that I would never have picked on my own. now though, I’m just lost! Dan loves to read, studied literature at university, and was a Man Book Prize judge in 2012 (they asked him to be a judge after he went on a review program and was a little too free with his negative opinions on the judges picks for that year. I find that funny and endearing) he’s mentioned several books that he’s read/reading in different interviews through the years, so I have a running list of things he likes, but I’d like him to tailor a few picks for me personally after discussing what I’ve enjoyed in the past.


Ice Cream Cones may seem like an odd choice for a food pick but I think you can learn a lot about someone from how they eat an ice cream cone. do they quickly lick all the way around and keep at it so that it doesn’t melt? do they dive in with their lips and forgo the licking? can they eat it fast or must they go at a slower pace because of brain freeze? do they have no problem letting it drip off the sides or lean precariously in uneven lumps? and once they get down to the cone, what’s the procedure then? continue licking or bite right into it?
Matthew Crawley looks like a ‘lick all the way around’ type of chap. me too!


The ice cream Dan and I would eat would have to be Vegan, since neither of us consumes dairy. Dan’s not a Vegan but he avoids dairy because he said he’s never really liked it. he loves Vegan ice cream though. I, on the other hand, do like dairy and it’s been a struggle for me to make that switch. it’s helped knowing that my crush avoids dairy as well, and that he’s probably had his fair share of stomach/digestive issues through the years because of gluten sensitivity. if you can bond with me over digestive ailments, you’ll have a friend for life!



4) What is a favorite book that represents your favorite season?

my favorite season is Autumn, and the first time I read the Lord Of The Rings was in Autumn. when the Hobbits set out on their journey it’s also Autumn, so I’ll pick The Fellowship of The Ring as my answer. I lived in Denver, Colorado for an autumn/winter season and the Aspen trees reminded me of Lothlorien.


5) If you could be anyone else for a day, who would it be?

Someone who understands Math and can easily apply it in every day life.


and we’re done! thanks again to SueBC for giving me the chance to answer questions. it was fun!




So it seems the Liebster Award questionnaire is going around again. I participated in this a few years ago with music related questions. I always find it fun to answer questions, of any kind, so when zee’s muse suggested her readers answer a set, I thought “why not?”

because I have things to say, dan it! (that was a Freudian slip but I’m leaving it there)


Zee is a friend from the Richard Armitage fandom but I’m going to pepper my answers with Dan Stevens gifs, because they’ve been accumulating on my hard drive with no occasion for me to use them. I hope she doesn’t mind.

mind? IKR


1.) What excites you at the moment?

Dan Stevens.

those eyes
that… everything


2.) In one sentence, what depresses you at the moment?

In one year, my son will graduate High School.

yesterday he was 14, today he’s 17. there’s sorcery involved, I’m sure of it!


3.) Cats or Dogs? piccies please.



4.) What tv series did you love in your youth?

Mork & Mindy

5.) Who is your favorite actor/actress no longer living?

Jimmy Stewart

6.) What is the best movie you’ve seen so far in 2017?


7.) The top three theatre/concert experiences you’ve ever had.


B-52s, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Lollapalooza


B-52s because it was a small turn out & it started to rain, so they invited those out on the lawn to move into the pavilion & then encouraged us to stand on the seats and just have a silly good time.


Rocky Horror Picture Show because I went several times and it was always late at night (Midnight showing) so everyone I was with tended to get slap happy. Drinking over caffeinated Jolt helped as well, I’m sure.


Lollapalooza because I got to see Red Hot Chili Peppers and Pearl Jam in the same concert, while also being totally grossed out by people shoving nails up their noses and swallowing fire on the side show stages.
not really but it was memorable!


8.) What is the best book you’ve read in the past year?

see, here’s the thing…

I can’t remember what it was called. I know it was a romance novel about a psychic that saw a little boy & his dog lost in the wilderness. She connects him to a bachelor rancher, convinced that he’s his son, but the rancher doesn’t believe her until a story hits the news about a senator & his family missing due to a boating accident, and the Senator’s fiancee just so happens to be someone this rancher had a long term relationship with. Anyway, my Mother-in-Law left it at my house, so I read it, and it was surprisingly good.

9.) What is your favorite photo of the last week on your mobile phone and are you willing to share it?

I don’t have a mobile phone. I share one with my husband and only use it to text my son when he’s late for dinner. If I tweak the question to apply to my laptop though, this is the latest pic I saved:

I was bored and so on a whim, I typed my very small hometown (population: 500) into Google Images and found this pic of my favorite thing to play on at the playground when I was young. The internet is a wonderful thing.

10.) my favorite dessert?



11.) Favorite Richard Armitage pictures

At the end of Zee’s post she hinted that her questions from the last Liebster round never got answered and so maybe someone would feel moved to do so this time around. I picked 5 off of that list.

1) A gift you regifted (and how quickly and why?)

A one piece hat/scarf thing from my Mother-in-Law.

It was very soft and pretty but not my style at all so I regifted it, just a few weeks later, to my friend. Because she actually dresses like a woman instead of a 15 year old boy, like me.

someone who will choose comfort over fashion every.single.time.


2) Balin or Oin?


because he looks like Santa Claus


3) Do you REALLY want to see the Silmarillion done in movie(s)?

Yes, so I can finally understand what’s going on.

me, pretending the timeline doesn’t confuzzle me


4) Mozart or Haydn or Beethoven? (Cross your eyes if you can’t tell the difference)

Who’s Haydn?

Zee, the music teacher, being so done with me.


5.) Your New Year’s Resolution list

seeing as how it’s May and not January, my ‘Summer’ to do list is:

-lose 30 pounds

-organize my photo albums

-Iron all the shirts (some have been in the basket for two years and counting)

don’t judge me!


Bonus, because Zee likes Beefcake