scaredy-cat

Dan Stevens is set to star in a gory horror film about a religious cult set in the year 1905, Wales. I was really looking forward to this film, until I found out about the gory part. now, I’m nervous.

me, awaiting the release of Apostle on Netflix, October 12

I enjoy a good thriller. I like an unbalanced protagonist as well. I even like violence, of a certain kind (hand to hand combat, gun shoot outs). I do not like gore. I try- when my son used to watch The Walking Dead, I would browse the internet with my back to the television so that I could listen to the story but not have to watch it. the monsters of humanity can be a hard limit for me too; torture, especially if children or animals are involved, is a no go. the more reviews I read of this film, the more apprehensive I feel. the story, as I understand it, revolves around an ex-preacher who is battling drug addiction while infiltrating a cult to rescue his sister, who has been abducted and is being held for ransom. the cult is located on a remote island and worships a supernatural being that may or may not be real. if this were a book, I’d jump on that in a hot minute! but it’s not a book, it’s a visual blood bath of torture.

how did those bodies get up in those trees like that? i’m not sure i want to know.

Some may watch something like this, cringe, and then walk away with the feeling that it’s simply not to their liking. I can’t just walk away from these things. case in point: Richard Armitage’s part in the third season of HannibalI was leery leading up to that performance but I bravely moved forward because I knew the portrayal of a character like that would be something worth seeing if it was in the hands of Richard Armitage. it was, and I am glad that I didn’t chicken out. but that character, particularly the Dragon half of the equation, haunted me for a long time after. granted, it was more a psychological issue for me than a gore one, though that scene of Richard biting off Raul Esparza’s lips will stay with me for eternity!

a kiss is just a kiss

It’s ironic because as a child, I watched a lot of horror. since October is nearly upon us, my 14 year old daughter is trying to make a list of horror films that she can watch leading up to Halloween. I’ve been bombarding her with movie titles: The Omen(s), The Poltergeist(s) The Amityville Horror. I should also mention that I can’t do ghosts anymore either. I can’t even listen to Ghost Hunters. maybe my brain just reached it’s horror limit somewhere along the way and said “okay, that’s enough. we just can’t let anymore in! we’re filled to capacity.” as scared as I am to watch Apostle, I still will because I know without a doubt that Dan Stevens will deliver a performance worth watching. I’ll just need to hold my daughter’s hand while doing it.

ain’t too proud, to watch through my fingers.

 

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a television role sounds appealing

[The ‘Yours in Armitage’ series is an introspection of my celebrity crush on Richard Armitage, using excerpts from past correspondence with fellow fans.]

 

November 9, 2013- the idea of a television role sounds appealing to me. I don’t see it as a step down. just because he was in The Hobbit doesn’t mean he’s automatically on the A list.

As a fan who came into the Richard Armitage fandom at the tail end of The Hobbit promotional tour, I always felt like I had missed out on seeing ‘the object of my affection’ weekly in television form. not that I would have been able to see Robin Hood or Spooks weekly anyway, since I live in the United States, but don’t ruin my pity party! when Richard was cast in Hannibal, I was excited for the opportunity to finally join in on the fun. it was broadcast on NBC, which made it readily available for me to see Richard on my screen week by week. only, once it did come to pass, I did what I almost always do with television shows these days: I recorded it to watch at a later date, which puts me weeks (if not months) behind. with this particular show it was due to the subject matter; psychologically scary and a bit on the gory side. with Berlin Station, it was inappropriate content (I saw those gifs on Tumblr…) that I didn’t want my preteen to unexpectedly wander into the room and see. confession: at present, I’ve only seen 3 full episodes of Berlin Station. I know, I know, such a sorry excuse for a fangirl! but it just didn’t grab me like I was expecting it to. like I wanted it to. like I needed it to.

Ideally I would prefer a weekly show that didn’t drag me down in heavy subject matter, or require me to watch each episode more than once in order to fully understand the plot. I’d like to see a character that told me a different story each week, instead of one long narrative stretched out over a whole season. when I watch a weekly television show I want to feel a sense of familiarity towards the main characters, a bond, like friends getting together as we share with each other the ongoing stresses and mishaps that make up our lives. and when those stories get scary, overly emotional, or confusing, my ‘friends’ will be there to either guide me through it or walk along side me as we experience it together. neither Hannibal nor Berlin Station did that for me. maybe another opportunity will present itself in the future.

Yours in Armitage,

Kelly

[this post originally appeared on a temporary blog, text and comments have been moved here. the images have been switched out]

Seat belt? check.

Every once in awhile I feel a spike in awareness, in creativity. It’s like it comes in phases and I’m never sure when it will happen or how long it will last, before it fades back into a muted kind of chaos. The chaos is comforting, it’s warm but it’s also a bit blurry. The awareness is exciting in it’s clarity but also moves fairly fast and can bring some darkness with it, so I don’t necessarily seek it out.

My favorite actor, Richard Armitage, is set to have a recurring role in the television program Hannibal. When I found this out I was a bit wary. I did the whole serial killer curiosity thing years ago, during my many viewings of The Silence of the Lambs. I didn’t like residing in that headspace then and I wasn’t real thrilled that I might end up going there again with this serial killer role that Richard Armitage is preparing for. The blood I don’t like, the violence/torture I hate, but the psychological aspects I can’t resist! As more of my fellow Richard Armitage fans shared background on the character, I could see why Richard was attracted to this part. I hope he doesn’t make him too sympathetic though, I do not want to save the psycho again (I’ve already done that countless times before).

Last Friday I stumbled across some episodes of Hannibal on the internet and decided to watch the first two. The first episode was innocent enough but the second one was more freaky. A few fans were discussing the book that the character came from, Red Dragon, and I became very much intrigued…then the dreams started. again *sigh* I know how to handle them now, I’m older and wiser and all of that but it’s kind of annoying. Why can’t I have the clarity and spark in creativity without the darkness? blah!

 

**Warning: these dreams may be disturbing. They involve assault and crimes of passion

 

dream no.1

I’m at a rest stop in an older model car, an Oldsmobile maybe? It’s mint green in color. The rest stop is a little picnic area with rusty metal grills and a stone water fountain amongst a copse of trees. I’m cleaning out my car because I’ve spilled something while driving. I hear another car pull in off the gravel road and out of the corner of my eye I see a tall broad shouldered man get out of the passenger side. I’m messing with the floor mats of my car and I continue on with what I”m doing, trying not to acknowledge the man. Another man, this one skinny, gets out of the driver’s side and I hear them talking. My senses are telling me that these two men are trouble. I want to throw the stuff in my open trunk and get the hell out of there but I somehow know that they are watching me intently, and at my first move towards leaving they will prevent me. They’re like dogs, taking a mild interest in me that might amount to nothing if I don’t run; if I run, they will chase. I try to prolong my cleaning, even though I’m actually finished. I hear a loud bang and instinctively look towards the men. Big mistake. The noise was made on purpose to get my attention and now that I’ve acknowledged them, made eye contact with the large man, he’s slowly walking towards me. I go back to my “work” and see his boots and dirty blue jeans out of the corner of my eye as he stops next to me. He says hello and tries for small talk, so I’m forced to turn and look at him head on. The shrinking violet routine is exactly what he wants, and so I give him the opposite. He’s not looking at my eyes though he’s looking at my white shirt that has coffee stains down the front. He takes his finger and slowly moves it across my shirt, saying it looks like I’ve had myself an accident. This man is very large and very strong. I know that this isn’t going to stay innocent for long and that I won’t be able to fight him. He’ll grab my arms and I won’t be able to move, just like when I was young and my brother would immobilize me for “fun”. The man’s finger wanders towards my breast and I decide to react, just get whatever is going to happen over with. He wants to toy with me, drag it out, give my fear time to build but I’m not going to let that happen. I briefly think of my kids, who appear older than they are in my vision for some reason, as I knee this man in the groin. Hard. He bends forward a little but then grabs my forearms and jerks me to him so quickly that it snaps my head back and I see the tops of the trees touch the sky…and I wake up.

 

I’m not scared necessarily, my heart isn’t beating fast or anything. I’m just like “okay. hmm. haven’t had one of those in awhile. maybe it’s just a fluke.” Dreams the next few nights are innocent but very clear. I have a feeling a spark has caught- hopefully I’ll get good dreams, exciting dreams, out of this and not scary ones. Then I have the dream about the girl in the bar.

 

dream no.2

I’m a man meeting up with my ex-girlfriend in a small dark bar. Seems like it might be a country-western bar because the floor is wood and the tables are old and rickety. She’s sitting across the table from me: cute with short blonde hair. I’m surprised that she’s agreed to meet me and that our small talk is going so smoothly, considering our dramatic break up that took place in my apartment 3 weeks ago. She must really want this purse back. I have a smaller sized pink purse that she left at my place, that I’m returning to her. It has a long string of pearls inside of it, along with some odds and ends of make-up and whatnot. Normally I wouldn’t give a shit about it but I know that necklace belonged to her grandmother and so I’m trying to be decent and give it back to her. The music is loud in the bar and it’s clear now that it’s not country-western but more of a club beat. The lights are flashing along to the music, making her shimmery white tank-top shirt sparkle and the glitter on the pink purse twinkle. She gets up to get a drink from the bar and asks me if i want anything. I say no because I need to use the restroom. Now I’m no longer the man but watching the scene unfold before me. The man gets up from the table and I see that he’s a good looking guy,which surprises me for some reason. He looks kind of like Demetri from MI-5, though shorter. He has some ink on his forearm but I can’t make out what it is. His jean-clad legs carry him down the hall to the restroom and my attention switches to the girl at the bar. She seems well put together, fit, bangles on her wrists. Not badass but not ditzy either. She tells the bartender what she wants and while she’s waiting, she leans her back against the bar and looks out over the crowd. Not many people are there but more are trickling in. I smell water, like maybe the bar is next to a lake? A man approaches the woman at the bar and starts chatting her up. She knows what he’s doing and isn’t interested but he seems harmless so she talks to him while she’s waiting for her drink. He makes her laugh and this is what the man sees when he returns from the restroom. I’m the man again and seeing her laugh like that with another man pisses me the fuck off. My face and neck feel very hot and her laugh is a screech that I want to shut up! I see the sparkly purse on the table, unlatch the clasp and pull out the string of pearls. The woman comes back to the table with her drink and asks me what I’m doing. I react, wrap the long strand of pearls around her neck and pull tightly. Now I’m not the man anymore but am watching it happen, like I’m actually there in the room now. I’m horrified at what he’s doing but more out of disappointment; he seemed like an okay guy. Other people are slowly becoming aware of what is going on but I continue to stand still. It’s not that I’m afraid or that I don’t know how to help, I just don’t want to. I’m feeling a detached fascination with what will happen next. Then I’m outside on the dock at the front of the bar (it is on a lake) and I see the man burst out of the door with the woman in tow. He jumps into the water, which is only knee-high. I see random oil slicks reflected in the water from the lights on the outside of the bar and stray cigarette butts floating. The man continues to walk deeper into the lake and I know he’s going to drown them both. That’s a shame. It’s then that I slowly start to see bodies in the water as the small tide laps against the dock. Bodies upon bodies all in rows, bright peach colored skin with no clothes, limbs bent in odd angles, under the water- not floating but kind of just there. How many people have gone nutty and thrown themselves into this lake?! Geesh! People are dumb. Then the bodies become more cartoon-looking and I see a weird little boy out in the middle, sitting in a movie theatre seat, eating a white Popsicle. Must be lemonade flavored…I wake up.

 

I’m not scared but in awe of the detail of the dream. And pissed off at the same time: damn it! I don’t want these dreams! I want the cutesy puppy-love ones instead!!

 

Now that I’ve written them down, I feel them leaving. That’s good. It’s a Friday night again and I”m bored and I need something interesting…so I search out the book Red Dragon and find a copy. I read the first 2 chapters and feel that spark. Lemme go find a cozy blanket and some candy, then I’ll buckle in and just try to enjoy the ride. Roller-coasters can be fun sometimes.

 

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