range of being

Don’t you see yourself in every picture you love? You feel a radiance wash through you. It’s something you can’t analyze or speak about clearly. What are you doing at that moment? You’re looking at a picture on a wall. That’s all. But it makes you feel alive in the world. It tells you yes, you’re here. And yes, you have a range of being that’s deeper and sweeter than you knew.

~Don DeLillo, Cosmopolis


One True Sentence

‘All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.’

So finally I would write one true sentence, and then go on from there. It was easy then because there was always one true sentence that I knew or had seen or had heard someone say. If I started to write elaborately, or like someone introducing or presenting something, I found that I could cut that scrollwork or ornament out and throw it away and start with the first true simple declarative sentence I had written. ~Ernest Hemingway, ‘A Moveable Feast’

you can only know them

For men and women are not only themselves; they are also the region in which they were born, the city apartment or the farm in which they learnt to walk, the games they played as children, the old wives’ tales they overheard, the food they ate, the schools they attended, the sports they followed, the poets they read, and the God they believed in. It is all these things that have made them what they are and these are things that you can’t come to know by hearsay, you can only know them if you have lived them. You can only know them if you are them. ~W.Somerset Maugham, ‘The Razor’s Edge’

a fangirl moment

This is a ‘bookmark’ post for me, a collection of Dan Stevens related videos that I’ve found and want to keep coming back to, gathering them in one place to make it easier to view when I need a fix. My bookmarks and ‘likes’ on social media become so chaotic when I start a new crush. Some things I mark because I like them and want to keep coming back to them, other things I mark because they look interesting but I haven’t viewed them yet, while others I mark to remind me to watch more of that type, etc. It all becomes a bit disorganized and confusing! I’ve only touched the very tip of the ice-berg in relation to Dan, so these are just some of my favorites at the moment.


Dan Stevens:reading Madame Bovary
a series of videos presented by ‘Carte Noire’ coffee, where Dan reads excerpts from classic books. I find them greatly enjoyable for the combination of his reading voice and eye contact. ‘I need your eyes, your voice, your thoughts.’  too true!


Dan Stevens- guilty man crush
at the 2013 GQ Man of the Year awards, Dan was asked who his man crush is. his quick thinking response and dry delivery are priceless, as are his piercing blue eyes when he looks straight at the camera.


Interview with Dan Stevens, Narrator of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein audiobook
I love hearing these snippets showcasing the ‘old Hollywood’ voice Dan uses to narrate this book. I’ve never read this classic myself but his description of the story makes me want to.


Rainbow Connection
a scene from Dan’s FX show ‘Legion’, where he plays the banjo and sings ‘The Rainbow Connection’. his character is terrified in the moment shown, which is why his voice is all shaky, but I’ve always loved this song. the way Dan’s long legs are drawn up into that sitting position, reminiscent of Kermit the Frog, makes me smile big!


Dan speaks French
promo for ‘Beauty and the Beast’ where Dan answers a few questions related to France. his pronunciation sounds lovely to my ear, and his facial expressions during the ‘cemetery’ answer are funny.
he speaks German too. here’s a link to a press conference for the film ‘Hilde’, where he answers a question in German.


Vanity Fair: in conversation with Dan Stevens ‘The Guest’ 
(note: this interview snippet cuts off before any mention of Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, like the video title suggests)
Dan looks very sharp in his suit here and his eyes are lovely. and now I kind of want to record myself reciting ‘The Gettysburg Address’ in my accent, just to see what it sounds like.


The Guest- Locker Scene
scene from Dan’s movie, ‘The Guest’. I’ve cued this fanvid to show the point when David’s demeanor transforms from normal to menacing by just using his eyes and a slight shift of his lips. it’s creepy and impressive.


Dan Stevens-GQ Men of the Year awards Red Carpet with Tom Hiddleston
just a short fuzzy moment where old friends give each other a hug. I like hearing Dan call Tom’s name in surprise and then Tom affectionately calls Dan ‘gorgeous’.


confession- I’ve started each day this past week by watching these 4 fanvids while I eat breakfast:


only dan stevens (multi character)
I’ve only seen a few of these characters so far but the shots chosen are pleasing, and the song fits my thoughts perfectly at the moment.


Sydney & David- As Long As You Love Me (Legion)
David and Syd’s relationship in ‘Legion’ is so cute and swoony. Syd can’t touch others so instead of holding hands they hold onto a ribbon of cloth between them, and they ‘kiss’ by using their reflection in the window. the song chosen is beautiful too.


The Guest- Dan Stevens- The Red Crayon Aristocrat Club 
this video and song choice fits the tone of ‘The Guest’ perfectly. the pace and transition between scenes is done really well.


legion- friction
the editing in this vid is superb! really great representation of ‘Legion’.


and I’ll include these pics too, just because:


I don’t know how old Dan is in these pictures or what the backstory is but he just looks so fresh faced and adorable in them!


I love airport pics because they give us an unhindered view into the personal clothing style of our crushes, i.e. the ‘hot mess’ look.
okay, I think that’s a good place to stop. for now.


Fifty Shades: a personal history


Once Upon a Time the Twilight fan-fiction community was my happy place. Countless big name fics were updating weekly. Internet sites dedicated to Twi fanfic regularly reviewed stories, interviewed authors, held contests, and promoted charity drives. Lively discussions about the stories took place on forums, blogs, and Facebook pages. The community had it’s fair share of drama, don’t get me wrong, but there was an order to things- a balance. And the world kept spinning on, the way it was supposed to.

539960_419253714752072_100000023412-1Every once in awhile someone would come along and try to spoil my happy place by calling out the main fan-fiction hosting site on it’s Terms of Service regarding explicit adult content, causing some of my favorite stories to be yanked from the site. The authors would counteract this by creating their own blogs for the beloved stories and fans would flock there to read them, while waiting for the drama to die down on the main fanfic site and the rules to lax once again. The order and balance of things altered to accommodate- and the world kept spinning on.

There were so many stories to read, that Index sites started popping up to keep track of them all. Review blogs kept up to date on what was happening with the popular fics and their authors, and alternate fanfic hosting sites were created to better meet the needs of the Twilight community; bypassing the content guidelines issues- balance was restored and it was good.

I was a Twilight fanfic devotee, living and breathing the many forms of tumblr_lmov9uzO9P1qc2ir0o1_500-1Edward Cullen. He was one fictional person but many at the same time. He became my ideal and I loved him. I was learning so much about myself from reading the stories he took part in. The pop culture aspects were fun, the fanfiction-therepysocial and economic aspects were informative, the psychological aspects were vastly interesting, the intellectual and literary aspects were beneficial, and the sexual aspects were enlightening-especially for a shy yet strong willed “good girl” like me.

Soon a new story started to get a lot of buzz within the community. It was a BDSM fic called “Master of the Universe” (aka Fifty Shades of Grey). I steered clear of it at first because although I had read some BDSM themed stories previously, they weren’t really my thing. Fellow readers assured me that this story didn’t follow the classic “collared submissive” storyline, not really; it was more of a love story. Well, okay. I guess I can give it a go. I found rather quickly that I did indeed like the story. It was more about Edward’s (Christian) tortured past and whether or not love could save him. The Bella (Ana) character was curious about the taboo lifestyle but it was him that she was drawn to, him that she couldn’t resist. How far was she willing to go to win him-how much of herself was she willing to sacrifice to keep him? I was firmly on board and waited impatiently for weekly updates, along with everyone else. But towards the end of the story, suddenly previous chapters started disappearing and the window of time to read current chapters before they were no longer available, was getting smaller and smaller. Oh here we go with the Pull to Publish bullshit again!

Master of the Universe story banner
Master of the Universe story banner


Something that had been happening more and more within the fandom at that time was that authors of popular stories were trying to get published out there in the “real world”. At first it was a minor issue that didn’t really touch many but the authors themselves; going through the process of endless edits and revisions just to get a publisher to consider you was time consuming and not something that warranted removing the fic from public view until you were much further along in the process. But then Independent publishing companies, some with ties to the Twi fanfic community, started to appear. Now a fanfic author could get their story into print, with real pages in a book format or downloadable in E-Book form, with much more ease. Several of the older stories started disappearing because even though the authors had to revise and edit for copyright reasons, the stories were still similar enough to the original Twilight that the fanfics had to be removed from public view. What a bummer! On one hand, I was happy for the authors in their achievement, but on the other hand my happy place was getting smaller because of it.


So when Master of the Universe seemed to be on it’s way to a similar fate, it should have just been bunched in with all of the other authors who were doing the same thing; but this time was a little different. This time there was very little revising and editing involved-with no traditional editor to answer to only proper names were switched out, some descriptive adjectives added and a few minor scenarios tweaked. The story itself was a good one but the writing could have benefited from an editor’s expertise. This didn’t matter all that much in it’s amateur fanfic form because the purpose of the fan-fiction world is to provide a safe haven of sorts, an atmosphere of learning and growing, in order to perfect one’s writing voice. But in this case, when a traditional publisher did come along they chose to keep the story in it’s rough form. This added an integrity angle to the ever growing issues surrounding the story’s journey into the real world. And an ethical one as well: because the storyline, no matter how far removed from vampires and werewolves, clearly still followed the plot path of Twilight. Fans started splitting down the middle- those who were loyal to the author and her story and thus willing to follow it where ever it ended up, and those who were loyal to the community and the spirit of what fanfic was supposed to be grounded in.

"classic" Twilight fanfiction stories
“classic” Twilight fanfiction stories


The Twilight community was dealing with it’s own issues and incidents of drama at the time, so if you happened to be involved in both communities, the burden was becoming a little too heavy to bear. One “Big Name” fanfic author had had enough, all the way around, and wanted out. This author chose to set the record straight on some things, go out in a blaze of glory, before she bowed out for good- and one of those things was sharing who she knew the writer of the Master of the Universe story, aka E.L.James, to really be. Her claims painted Ms. James as someone who didn’t care about the fanfic community where “Fifty” was born, didn’t understand how or why it worked, and had never been all that interested in trying to adapt-someone who had dreams of making it big and was using the fanfic community to get her there. The Big Name author chose to release private conversations between herself and E.L. to illustrate her claims. A shitty thing to do, some might say, but what those conversations showed was the last straw for many in the community. Where had my happy place gone? Was it all about money and fame now? Had it always been and I just didn’t realize it? The readers were sick of getting yo-yo-ed around and a big portion of them threw in the towel. The blogs dedicated to reviewing fanfic were focusing more and more on the flourishing YA genre in traditional publishing instead; it was safer and more readily available. The Index sites couldn’t keep up with the ever changing information that the Pull to Publish trend created: tracking down story locations, knowing which stories you were allowed to feature and which ones you weren’t, what the published stories and authors were now named, etc. etc. And a new normal, a new balance, was struggling to be found. It wasn’t my happy place anymore, and so I left.


I still read Twilight fanfiction from time to time. I enjoy my fanfic Edward too much to give him up completely! but I read completed stories only now, ones that fly under the radar and don’t have huge followings. I play it safe.

So when Fifty Shades of Grey took the world by storm,FF I struggled to keep my bitterness at bay. I did still love “Fifty”, even if he’d changed his name to Christian. It was odd seeing so many go ga-ga over him years after I did, to have them implore me to read the book and then watch them fidget as they try to explain it to me while skimming over the fact that it’s actually Erotica…I think a lot of people genuinely didn’t know that it was racy in content, until they read it. The word of mouth and promotion campaigns that I had seen conveniently left the Kink label out- ah, the world of marketing! I moved on to another fandom and my PDF copy of Master of the Universe got shoved into a folder and collected dust. Then “Fifty” signed on to become a movie star, accumulating new drama all his own- the politics of respecting women, misrepresentation of BDSM communities, the popularity of “Mommy Porn” and whether it should be shamed or celebrated, not to mention the general drama that happens behind the scenes on any movie set. But underneath it all, he was still Fifty-the one that had been the topic of many a discussion between my fanfic friends and I as we quoted him, photoshopped him, shared inside jokes about him; it was the same Fifty.


In the end, I’ve had to let all that past history go. Did I really care about all the baggage that went with it anymore? Nah, not really. It was what it was in a time that has since passed for me, in a fandom I’m no longer involved in. The fanfic community didn’t fall apart because E.L.James decided to try and make a name for herself. Just like the Twilight community didn’t fold because “real life” Bella made some not-so-wise choices. Both communities were in the process of dismantling long before those incidents happened. I needed someone to blame though, so E.L.James stepped into that role for me. I’m over it now. It’s not so important to me how she got where she is. I’m finally willing to let the bitterness go and enjoy seeing Fifty have his moment a second time around, on a much larger scale this time. Do I want to see the movie? Hell yeah, that’s my Fifty up there on screen! And better yet, he now looks like Jamie Dornan- win/win!

So why hasn’t my bum been in one of those theater seats yet? Because “good girls” don’t watch skin flicks in public, they do it in the privacy of their own homes when no one is looking. Because just like the story was in it’s fanfic form, 390283574v4_225x225_Front_padToSquare-trueit’s dirty and it’s wrong, and it’s “fifty shades of fucked up”…which is what makes it all the more thrilling!

I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold out for the dvd, the anticipation is strong. So I might see it in the theater eventually-preferably alone and sitting towards the back. In the dark…