Falling Out of Love with Your Celebrity Crush

If you’re anything like me, then you aren’t just crushing on your alternate universe bae because of his looks or the characters he plays on screen, but also for what he shows of himself in interviews and appearances- his sense of humor and playfulness, his intelligence and professionalism, his gentlemanly manners, his likes and dislikes; the clay we use to sculpt him into our perfect match. as our admiration grows and blossoms, we look forward to spending time with our crush through video interviews and photographs. we regularly indulge in his talent with his movies, television roles, and audio recordings. we’re so proud of our guy! we want to show him off like parents with a portfolio of pictures in our wallets. so we tweet and we blog and we Tumblr, and we read other tweets and blogs and Tumblrs from people who are just as proud. well, maybe not just as proud because we all know that no one loves him as much as we do, but they think they do, so we humor them. it’s good, it’s great, it’s wonderful! until somewhere down the line, it starts to unravel.

is that a necklace? I think he’s wearing a necklace. so cute!

maybe we’re not as interested in every single project he signs on for anymore. maybe we’ve seen so many photos of him that we start scrolling past when they show up in our timelines. maybe those other fans start annoying us with their drama, their misinformation, or their overuse of exclamation points. so we mute a few accounts, prune our subscriptions, limit our visits to all those Tumblrs. sometimes these changes are enough, distance makes the heart grow fonder. but sometimes a quick fix won’t do.

another selfie? wow.

In the summer of 2012, I was blindsided by the news that Kristen Stewart had been caught cheating on Robert Pattinson. I felt betrayed on his behalf, I felt disappointed when he didn’t automatically break up with her, I felt relieved that I now had something to blame. I had been waiting for a push, a reason to move on from my crush on Rob and the Twilight fandom, and here it was. so I left. it’s not you, it’s me. I just don’t feel the way I used to. it’s better this way. it took a long time before seeing his picture brought nostalgic smiles instead of frowns, but it did happen. it was an odd reaction for me to take it so personally, I’m not really sure why I did. I was not a Robsten shipper, my dreams were not shattered by their relationship fail. it was just the last straw and I was mad that it was. I moved on quickly, and didn’t look back.

when Richard Armitage started disappointing me, it was a little different. I hid my head in the sand so that I wouldn’t see, I put my fingers in my ears so that I couldn’t hear, I misplaced my dissatisfaction onto other fan’s shoulders so that I wouldn’t have to admit to myself that it was the beginning of the end for me. I stepped back from the fandom, but that didn’t work. I threw myself back in, but that didn’t work. I found a backup bae to take some of the pressure off, but that didn’t really work either. I was stuck- no longer happy but refusing to move on. after taking an introspective look at myself, I was finally able to get there.

my name is Richard, not Jamie or Dan, Richard.
When you fall out of love with a celebrity crush, it can feel like a break up. that sounds silly to say, but it’s the honest truth. we form an emotional attachment to our ‘object of affection’. seeing their face, hearing their voice, and playing in the fandom playground, helps us to forget the stressful and confusing things that are going on in our real lives. so when it stops feeling meaningful, inspiring, and fun, well that just sucks! we can’t lament to other fans about it because that would be disloyal to the fan base, we can’t grieve about what has been lost because we were the ones who chose to leave. and that sucks double.

 

if you need me, I’ll just be here…existing.
we feel ridiculous when we say these things out loud, we’re told it’s unhealthy. but what I’ve learned through my own experiences is this: it wasn’t really the celebrity that I was breaking up with, it was a version of myself. I was shedding a part of me that I had outgrown; recognizing that, acknowledging it without shame, is the opposite of unhealthy.

 

we’ll always have Stoli shirts & Sexpenders

so if your guy no longer fits you anymore, it’s not as dire as it may seem. you’ll feel sad for awhile but odds are, you’ll find it all again with someone new, when you’re ready. and your new guy? he’ll be so swoony that you’ll wonder how you could have ever felt so strongly for those other guys. you’ll see.

did you see his hat? I love hats! so cute!

*~*~*~

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32 thoughts on “Falling Out of Love with Your Celebrity Crush

  1. I’ve been through quite a number of celebrity crushes, though none as intense as this one. But that may be too because I’ve never delved into internet fandom before, previously fangirling all on my own. I think usually, though, I’ve eventually just moved on without too much of a “break up”.

    I was very into Edward (who just happened to be Robert Patinson) and Kristen Stewart. I liked that they were a couple and I was disappointed in her for trashing their relationship. And then I moved on.

    I had read people saying they were no longer so into RA and I couldn’t understand it (being fully immersed myself). But then came this year’s preachy Christmas message, followed by his choice to read modern steamy romance. I was like, “Who is this guy?” But then came his Paris interview, where he seemed like the guy I imagined him to be and some comments by the director of The Martian Invasion about what a great guy he was to work with, and I’m good again, for now.

    But if this does fade anytime soon, I may just follow you down the path of Dan Stevens!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I usually transition from one crush to the next without a ‘break up’ but these last two (Rob & Richard) were different. in both instances I was very involved with the fandom, so I’m sure that’s a factor somehow.

      I was ‘Nonsten’ regarding KStew & Rob until I couldn’t ignore it any longer. then I tried to embrace it, for his sake, but I just couldn’t. Edward & Bella? definitely. Rob & Kristen? not so much. I just never really liked her. I saw him as a goofy boy who just so happened to have smoldering charisma, so it wasn’t like I was deeply invested in his love life for personal gain ( 🙄 ) I always want my crushes to find love and I usually respect that person even if I don’t adore them myself but this coupling tried my patience. so since I had strong feelings about it already, it was just multiplied by the particular circumstances surrounding the whole incident.

      I am going to be a supportive friend and hope that you continue to stick with Richard as long as he makes you happy, however, the second you say you’re not I will snatch you up & bring you over to Dan Stevens! in the mean time, I will slowly wear you down with my Dan-centric posts… 😀

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      1. Well, you’ve made the transition nicely and still stayed involved with us RA fans, so maybe you’ve got the best of both worlds.

        And, yeah, just to clarify so I don’t sound creepy, Rob was not on my radar in a RL way. It was the130-year-old angsty vampire that I was into.

        Thanks for the support in my crush… and I will keep an open mind for Dan!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I am older than Richard by a few years, shares his birthday by one day, has the same misfortune as his, with water, understands everything he is talking about, agrees with his views, and knows quite a lot of stuff regarding movie parts which I cannot say in one of the closed fandoms, where I post comments and numerous pictures. I do not care what Richard chooses to read, be it steamy romances or Dickens/Shakespeare. He has to live and it’s a job. I have not seen half of his work, just a few – no audible, only the classic poetry, which I enjoyed very much. I have been a fan since N&S, which I saw in May 2005. I also went to NY City to see his play “Love Love Love” in 2016 and the strangest thing happened. I still do not know what, but I suffered from shock after the play and I didn’t stand in line to get my play book signed. I just glanced at this absolutely gorgeous actor, and went about my business. Actually, he passed right next to me while I was in the foyer putting on my fur gloves; it was a cold day in NY. I got over my shock at seeing him in person pretty quickly, after I returned home. I do not have a crush on Richard – I am too old for crushes. If I stop admiring him I will NOT be moving on to anyone else. I do not actually admire or worship actors/singers; writers/painters/poets are more my style. RA is the first actor I have gone pass “admiration” and he will certainly be the last. I did not read his 2017 Christmas message; it was never posted in my fandom view, but if he wants to be ‘preachy’ then, so be it. He has the platform, and he should use it. I am glad he is interested in a lot of other things besides himself and how good he looks.

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        1. when I use the term ‘celebrity crush’ I mean someone who is in the entertainment business that I have more than a passing admiration for, whether I’m drawn to this person’s personality, skill, looks, or all three, I’m a fan who pays particular attention to his specific acting roles, his off screen personality, and his physical appearance. I don’t use the term crush in the adolescent sense of being crushed that he’ll never be mine romantically, but rather that I enjoy/admire him so much that he’s my fangirl focus above all others.

          I’m glad that you’re happy in your admiration of Richard Armitage, I was too at one time. I’ve seen other fans who say they have similar feelings to yours, that they enjoy following along with his career and if one day that changes they can’t see themselves doing it all again with someone new. I’ve also seen fans who have had similar experiences to mine, how sometimes it’s hard to come to terms with their dwindling feelings and how they feel guilty when their eyes start to focus on someone new; I wrote this blog post for them.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. FWIW I think the “dwindling feelings” experience is more common than the “ever faithful” experience. If I look back to the comment section on my blog from eight years ago the number of those who are not around (not just not on my blog, but have disappeared from view) is much greater than the number of those who are.

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  2. Sigh. This is such a good post. And yet I feel sad because I am reading the name of ‘my man’ in there. But you are right on every level – on why we ‘fall in love’ with a movie crush in the first place, why we resist the first signs of ‘relationship trouble’ – and how not feeling in love with them anymore is merely a symptom of moving on ourselves, rather than a dislike of the ‘actor formerly known as movie boyfriend’. Which, in the next step, makes me wonder why I am still stuck with mine *haha*. Obviously I am not developing further, forever stuck in a vacuum called Richard. Hm.
    Anyway, I am glad if you have reached the point where your heart is light and you are not resisting a change that has ultimately made you feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I debated about how open I wanted to be about the whole ‘celebrity crush’ thing and what exactly it means to me, using Richard as an example when most of my readers know me from the RA fandom..the post would have been fine without those parts but I feel that ‘showing’ instead of just ‘telling’ makes a bigger impact, and I really want other fans to know that these kinds of feelings are okay, that they’re not ridiculous or ‘not real'(if you feel it, then it’s real). I know we say this all the time but it does bear repeating: we all fan differently, at different levels and speeds. I am a serial celebrity crusher, while most of the RA fans I know are not. the root of why I crush has to do with identity, seeing traits that I admire, validating what I value in myself but also inspiring me to work towards. when I move on from one crush to another when I outgrow them, when they no longer have anything to teach me about myself or others- that is my truth but that doesn’t mean it has to be yours. if you’re happy with what being an RA fan gives you, don’t let my feelings devalue that. I think I’m a nicer, better version of myself when I am feeling inspired and having fun with a celebrity crush- as are each of us, I imagine; we don’t need to have the same crush in order to enjoy each other’s enjoyment 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Why shouldn’t you include Rob or Rich? We are discussing the rollercoaster experience of being a fan. And just like death is actually part of life, the following out of love with your celebrity crush is part of being a fan, too. I think it is a good thing to address that on your blog – because we are all going through similar experiences.
        You are right of course – similar experience or not, our journeys are not exactly on the same path, and we satisfy different needs with our crushing activities, hence we are at different stages on the journey. And as much as crushing on Richard is an emotional exercise, for me it is also very much decision-based. I simply have made the decision to hang on, despite the recent run of meh projects and my hearty dislike of the OoA’s selfie game. The community aspect keeps me interested – so the crush is obviously fulfilling a different need for me than for you. Which is fine. But I really really like what you say in your comment: being inspired and having fun with crushing makes me some how a nicer, better person, too. And the bonds forged over *one* particular crush do not necessarily have to be broken because our crushes are not identical anymore. I still like reading your posts, and whenever I see Dan or Jamie on my various TLs, I think of you. That’s kind of nice, I think. Plus, neither Dan nor Jamie are a hardship to look at, so all’s good!

        Liked by 2 people

        1. mostly I hesitated to include Rob and Richard b/c I wasn’t sure how in depth I wanted to get. I’ve been wanting to write a post about this topic for months, but just couldn’t grasp what I wanted to say out of the whirlwind of feelings involved with each experience. a fellow fan brought it up in conversation a few days ago and mentioned that things I’ve said about the topic in the past helped her to feel like she’s not the only one. when I was struggling with my own feelings about this topic, I actually googled ‘breaking up with a celebrity crush’, hoping that someone had written something about it. I found posts about celebrity crushes in general, and a really unhelpful WikiHow about it being unhealthy 🙄 so I just had to do it myself instead 😀

          as for your own satisfaction level, I think the fact that you kind of have an off-shoot community in regards to your shrines & crafts, helps enhance the experience and keeps the fangirl ‘high’ going. that’s what the fanblog did for me, anyway. I had so much fun writing those posts, making up captions for all the gifs I found, and thinking up ways to make my posts different; it really sparked my creativity. when I walked away from that, I was lost. I’m so glad the fangirl bug bit me again in the form of Dan and has inspired me to continue on this blog, not only with the caption thing but also writing about fandom stuff in general, and even a bit of creative writing as well.

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  3. Love your post, too, and can relate to it from my pov. There were several celebrity crushes for me up to now and I moved on smoothly each time. Which feels quite natural to me. Though this one has been extremely long-lasting. 😉 And, like Sue said, it has been the first with loads of virtual activity. But I already decided to step back from several activities because I don’t want to be that involved anymore. Still interested, so, yeah, Guylty, still stuck and not prepared to develop any further? Maybe… Perhaps it’s still the fascination of the underestimated “underdog”?
    After all it’s good to read and it’s most important you’re feeling fine the way it is!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. the ‘underdog’ aspect does make it more enticing somehow, doesn’t it? being able to say “he’s so underrated/underappreciated! here, look at all of these examples…”. I’m really good at that part of fangirling 😀

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you for writing this post, Kelly. It will be strange not to have you in the heart of the RArmy but I understand why you’ve decided to move on.

    I never saw why Robert Pattinson was such a big deal (mainly because the Twilight Saga annoys me to no end), and I don’t like Jamie Dorman at all as an actor or celebrity, but I think Dan Stevens is enchanting. He is doing wonderful work, especially in Legion – talk about talent!

    I wish you happy fangirling. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m still a fan of Richard’s, I’m still around, it’s just that he’s in my peripheral vision now instead of being my main focus 🙂

      my group of Twilight/Robert Pattinson friends and I used to say that the pages of those books were secretly laced with heroin b/c there is no other reasonable explanation for us to be as addicted to it all like we were! I think the big draw for most of us, in regards to Rob, was that he was young and hadn’t been tainted yet by life or fame. we enjoyed watching how he reacted to it all, how he didn’t hold back in interviews and said embarrassing things, how he tried to flirt with older women and failed at it miserably, and just how he hung out with his friends and was able to act his age for awhile. when he started to grow up, he lost that draw for a lot of us. I’m happy to see that he’s grown into a man, that he was able to stay in the game without sacrificing the type of projects he wanted to do, and also that he found someone who didn’t want to keep him a secret… as for Twilight itself: didn’t really like the movies, enjoyed the books more; it was the whole ‘I’ve been waiting my whole life for you & now I’ve found you’ aspect. cheesy but something that I really needed at the time. I also became addicted to the fanfic in that fandom & that hasn’t abated. I like all of the ‘AU human’ stuff b/c it’s basically any scenario imaginable with the identifying names & random details plugged in.

      I understand your feelings about Jamie, I prefer his personality over his acting. if I’m being honest, it’s his looks that keep me around. It’s not always deep thoughts for me, I can be superficial too 😆 Dan though *dreamy sigh* he’s everything for me right now. his acting, his playfulness, his looks, his intelligence, his modesty, his heart; it’s all new to me and there’s so much for my mind to weave through, in, and around. ‘I’m so proud of my guy’ 😀

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        1. I’m finding out that A LOT of people were upset with him for that. although it was his choice not to renew his contract after 3 years, it wasn’t Dan who decided to get rid of Matthew in that particular way, that was all Julian… I know your comment was lighthearted but a lot of fans of that show actually did get seriously mad at him for leaving the show. and moving to America, and losing weight 🙄 I still don’t understand all the hate, but it worked out for him (and me!) in the long run 🙂

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          1. Oh, I never hated him; that would have been ridiculous. He told Sarah Crompton (of The Telegraph, in an interview published on March 7, 2016) that he didn’t renew his contract because “…I wanted a chance to do other things.” I can’t imagine ‘Legion’ without him, so I’m glad he left the show!

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          2. I watched Season 1 but must confess that the finale scared me so much, I turned it off after ten minutes! 😱 That’s why I haven’t watched the clip. 😉

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          3. what scared you about the last episode? I found several things in other episodes that scared me but I can’t remember what the beginning of the last episode consisted of. going into season 2 you’ll need to know what happened at the very end of that episode, to both the Shadow King and David. the teaser I saw though was just one of those that flashes through a bunch of scenes super fast and no one knows what any of it really means but it teases you into wanting to watch, just to see how it all fits 🙂

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          4. well, the Shadow King kept jumping from person to person & possessing them, which was creepy, so it might have had to do with that. since she/he was gone from David though, he was all badass, finally using his powers 😎 other than that, it was just a bunch of physical fighting, so you didn’t really miss a whole lot, except those 2 things at the very end that I mentioned. I would be glad to tell you what they are, if you want. they’re very simple things that need little explanation. and it’s funny b/c, being part of the Marvel franchise, they waited to show it after the credits and a lot of people had already turned the show off, so they missed it 😆 Dan warned us on Twitter to stay through the credits though, so I didn’t miss it 😉

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  5. Hi, Kelly! Thanks for writing this.

    As an adult, I have followed the careers of only 2 actors. I was and still am a fan of one of them mostly because of his talent. RA, on the other hand, was different. I was a fan not only of the actor but of the person I saw and read about in interviews, most especially during the AUJ press rounds. Sadly, like what you said, the RA I see now seems so different from the person I had imagined him to be in the early years of my fangirling. I do admit that maybe I just have an overly-idealized version of RA, one that the real person could never live up to. But at the same time – and this may sound totally irrational – I feel somewhat betrayed. The image I have of RA, he helped shape that too, with his self-description and self-disclosures. And so when he does things that contradict his earlier statements, it’s very hard not to feel disappointed in him. There’s this feeling of, “Hey, I thought you said you were like this but why are you doing that?”

    I may still hang around the RA fandom out of habit and curiosity and certainly, because of the fans. Or I may decide to make it a clean break. I’m not sure yet. As for moving on to another celebrity crush, well, I won’t be doing that. “My rags of heart can like, wish, and adore, but after one such love, can love no more.” 🙂

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    1. you just described so many of my own feelings, especially when you said that Richard helped shape our image of him and then basically tore it apart. I struggled with that feeling A LOT. I felt hoodwinked, and it made me question who I was really crushing on & why. then, when I realized that “AUJ Richard” was no more (if he was ever real at all) I had to mourn him a bit, b/c that is the person that reeled me into all of this in the first place 😦

      after I finally started to come to terms with these things, I thought I might have to give up the hobby of ‘crushing’ on actors for awhile. there was just no one who was really sparking my interest in the way I needed, and maybe being involved in 2 fandoms back to back had burnt me out in a way that would prevent me from enjoying another crush in the same way again. but you know that cliche that says love will find you when you’re not looking for it? it can apply to fangirl love too 😉

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    2. Thanks for your comments about RA saying one thing then years later doing the opposite. I put that down to his birth planets. He is both a Leo and Virgo, like myself, so I understand that part of him. After 13 years, and a few disappointments, (his gender preference for one) I must say I am hanging in there, just to see how it all turns out in the end.

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      1. I suppose I expect more consistency from him, birth planets notwithstanding. At least in regard to qualities or statements that made me like him in the first place.

        Although no longer a fangirl, I still would like to see him in projects that are worthy of his talents.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Great post. I wish I understood why some people have serial crushes and others don’t (I seem to be in the latter category; no one is on the horizon and I encounter many more actors whom I dislike once I learn the teensiest bit about them than I do ones whom I would be capable of crushing on). I saw Black Panther yesterday and thought really well of Chadwick Boseman (probably the best I have thought of a to-me-unknown actor in a long time) but it has no chance of turning into a crush even if I will probably see the film again (also been a while since I did that for any film that didn’t have Armitage in it), and I actually like the female actors involved better than any of the men. I think you’re right about identity issues (I read a book about infidelity recently that said something similar about extra-marital affairs), and I think one reason I don’t crush on other actors is with the possible exception of film, I don’t think about my identity through the framework of entertainment media apart from books. I’m so satisfied by what I get from books that even if I quit Armitage eventually, I don’t think I’ll be interested in another actor (although never say never, of course).

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    1. ‘Identity through the frame work of film’ definitely applies to me. I lived and breathed movies & television during the ages when we start to shape who we are (11-14). it was a rough time for our family during that period: my father’s coal mine shut down and he was out of work for awhile, when he finally did find something it was in a steel mill, which he hated. he worked steady ‘afternoon’ shifts, which meant I only saw him on the weekends. his binge drinking went into overdrive during those years and my mother either shut herself away in her room or threw herself into various hobbies that consumed her. my older brother was always at sports practices or working, so I was essentially on my own most of the time. movies & television were my life (I didn’t mean for this to sound so woe-is-me! but just to explain when/why the identity issue applies to me)

      there are many actors/actresses that catch my eye and I enjoy watching, but I have no desire to know more about them. with the others though, there is just something about them that sticks with me and makes me eventually look into who they are, separate from the fictional characters they portray. there are some book series that I feel like this with as well but I had a hard time learning to read when I was young. it didn’t really click until I was 9 years old, and then I didn’t regularly read for pleasure until my late teens.

      as for serial crushers vs one timers, I’ve not met many fans who have done this more than once, so I really only have my own experiences to go by. before the internet, things were much less intense b/c we didn’t have the instant access that we do now. so although some of us had crushes on certain actors/singers in our younger years, internet fandom is a world (or universe!) away from that. other than magazines and the off chance that the celebrity had a 2 minute segment on Entertainment Tonight, that’s basically all we knew/saw.

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      1. I definitely learned a lot about you here — much more than I knew. I read at a very young age; by the time my parents’ marriage started to be a problem for me, I could already use reading as a sort of infinite escape. And it’s always worked as an avoidance mechanism for me for other stuff, too. It would make sense given your life story that TV and movies would have a larger emotional value for you.

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