[The ‘Yours in Armitage’ series is a collection of posts documenting my changing perceptions about my celebrity crush on Richard Armitage, using excerpts from past correspondence to help me come to terms with the uncertainties. I’m sharing this writing exercise in order to illustrate the highs and lows a fan can go through]
January 27, 2013- Richard is well-mannered, genuinely nice, a bit shy & reserved, but passionate about his acting. he’s all around lovely and he makes me smile a lot.
I wrote that to a friend at the very beginning of my crush on Richard Armitage. it still holds true for me, most days. I think I’ve always known that I wouldn’t be able to get back to those early ‘struck by lightening’ days of crushing on Richard, but part of me still held out hope that I could find my way back there. that’s why I started these posts, to get past the roadblocks that were keeping me from that place. along the way I’ve identified some of my issues and have been able to move past them. they’re not gone, but I’m aware of them now and can better navigate around them. the sun didn’t suddenly appear and light my way but I feel less confused, less pessimistic than I did before.
I’ve opened myself up to the concept of picking & choosing what I like and leaving the rest by the wayside. I’ve not really done that in fangirling before, not really. I’ve tried the ‘less I know the better’ route but it’s hard to reign in my natural curiosity. in the end, I always end up feeling like I need to like everything about the actor, or at least be able to convince myself that there was a good reason for the negatives that I couldn’t seem to ignore. when too many excuses pile up, I move on rather than admit to them. once I’m invested in a new crush, then I can be honest about the old ones, but not until then. Ewan McGregor’s confidence can be a turn off, Christian Bale’s intensity can be intimidating, Robert Pattinson’s youth works against him… I still follow the careers of past crushes and rejoice in their well being, I just don’t follow as closely as I once did. I no longer invest myself, because I no longer identify with them.
I find something in these actors that resonates with me, I see traits that we share in common, I live through them in various ways. this is why I hold them to such high standards because I see them as a different version of me, a better version. when they embody the worst of me, well, I don’t want to admit that we share those traits too. it’s like hearing my recorded voice played back to me or seeing myself in home movies. no, thanks! we would all rather see the best of ourselves on display. I’m not sure I can remove the identity issue from my fangirling but I want to give it less power. I want to be a fan of Richard Armitage, but I don’t want him to define me.
I’ll never be able to recapture those early days, and that’s okay. I’ve realized that the valleys are satisfying in their own ways, maybe not as intense as the highs, but longer lasting. this crush has certainly taught me more about myself than any of the others, and I like that. I want more of that. to thine own self be true.
Yours in Armitage,